but i got 'em back
A pair of old entries, from the past two weeks.

I posted sparingly 'cos of the end of the semester madness, but that finished up Thursday and now... well, not freedom, but a reasonable facsimile for sure.

written 4/16


--

It's a beautiful day outside. The wind is blowing, the sun is shining, and for all appearances it's the kind of day that could make you think absolutely nothing is - or was ever - wrong in the world. For anyone, period, dying or ill, or any fate that is theirs. It is, in a word, pristine.

And yet I'm in this building, not at all sold on the bait and prepping for some last-go exams before the real finals. It is stupid. I feel like I'm throwing an internal fit here, but it's over completely nothing. There is no guilty party here... no wrong-doer who rubbed you the wrong way, no act of your own to make you angry with your own self.. it is nothing, nada, zilch, a negative. If anything it could be school... but it's not even that, really; it's one of those things that gets under your skin, and by virtue of being so undetectable.. you can't even figure out what it is that's making you so sour, let alone what to name it and from there uproot.

There is no one escaping my inner critic today... but most of all for that fact... it all turns back on me, for knowing how undeserved, how awful the outlook is from its origin point.

This is actually really, really stupid.

I'm not the kind of person who always steals upon a solution to a problem and never looks back--life's not circular, but it's not linear either, so something that fixes or rights you one day may not be the same thing to do it in -the next- down the line, nor may it be solved for eternity thereon either. I'm not terribly much the kind to sympathize with people who seem to be recurring on stuff either though. There are some things that you can't do anything about in life and that will -always- be there, and will -never- be gone, and if someone's of the mindset of dealing with them... then they may as well just deal - be it one way, or the other. Find your way to do it and make it happen. That's it.

It's stupid and a little foolish to wrestle with same partners every day or some equivalent cycle, unless it's of the exception where your match-up with the angel has nothing at all to do with you... and is born of actual love toward a thing, a people, an enduring problem, a matter at hand, ultimately

I really hate it though (*sings* ~but hate is a strong woooooord~) when people say, "Be more of this (insert trait or value)," or "just deal"--and that's it. That is my irony max for the day. I absolutely love their thought.. their value for what they want you to get back to, their pragmatism, their beauty of mind and heart, but it's not always a useful suggestion.

I think a majority of some people's internal stuff-ups actually are solved by that when they aren't too great and they're listening. Some of my own are as well, if the moment is trying and all I need is a reminder to let me take it from there on my own. But say to them to be more of something, or be a different way... be patient with them, encouraging, work them through the steps with love, and all they will need to do is flip the switch on the traintracks, think a little, and chart their new course. Steered toward the clear, they are set: all they needed to do was take the time to step back and be this new thing

It is a positively glorious way to be and I think my heart melts at the thought that people really truly are, the cons of them not knowing the way on their own aside. It's like one of those dreams in your life, one of those visions that you'd turn a new leaf over because of if it descended and came to your eye.. and that really actually does come true, and it's real and there for you to touch! If only for a little while! I think I'm obviously somewhat overstating it... but all the same, when people are easy to work with, open to handling a matter/learning, and can make progress on it... whoever they are, sometimes that is heaven to me. That is worth everything in the world to me, makes me rethink everything and want to shoot for the stars, makes me wonder why that moment of crystallized realization isn't ever-present sans their moments of beauty

That one single moment of bliss, of actualized like... everything, and a representative seed bearing every single hope and dream of yours here, can make me think that every single good thing actually could well be true in the universe.

Maybe all people's situations are derivatives of this and that's all, maybe? And yet some people will actually make an excuse out of their lack of A to B simplicity when in truth, one person's added difficulty with making the journey from "identification" to "resolution and beyond" is merely a reason: a fact, a simple truth, never to be confused with an excuse or a "pass on responsibility card" that makes it less important for them to take by the reins and sort out.

And all that out of a vague, indiscernible thorn... that is somewhat passed. And yet I know it and me aren't done, not yet.

A good friend of mine referred this poem to me lately:

"If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
and - which is more - you'll be a man, my son!"
-Rudyard Kipling, 'If'

I don't know about the end, but the rest: definitely.