fourteen seconds till sunrise
Happiness is



..sweet...

And yet I grow too wary of it over time. When it arrives, is it to be - and then snatched away?

A thing lorded over you the instant when life ceases to deliver not only the daily, intermittent although lovely sparks of short-spanned joys, and so turns it into something not permanent - but enough to be dangerous, all the same? And all beside as quickly able to end as any thing under the sun?

And this is stupid. Why hold a thing that is dear to you at arms' length - for fear, for the attempt at your own liberty--and in so doing, make your own chain? I know why: there is too much else to be done to let some things in, with the time and resources they can suck up, if there are other important things yet that you want.

This is vague... but it really is about as general as it appears. I've become quite a master apparently at prioritizing and weighing what can come and what can go in my life, to ignore the smoke that life puts out there, and thus put up the impenetrable defense. To allow only that which you choose and not waste your time. It is worthy, it is fine, and it is effective - so it is said.

I know where my "musts" lay, what I intend to do, what I want to accomplish, what I want to be part of. A moment's whim is not enough to bring some sea walls down, so long as the borders aren't harmful--everyone has territory lines they draw, that remain theirs, because they need them. These portions of their souls that they so heavily rely on keeping safe.

And yet in my heart, I understand too much where real freedom lay in actuality, and what opposites of this liberty - real liberty - risk suffocation of the heart itself:

-the ability to let all things pass through you, holding less back
-the ability to be happy, and not be too conscious of this
-the ability to act in dire circumstances, for the sake of those you deliberately extend love toward
-the ability to love freely, though wisely, and on a daily basis be merciful and just in the fitting proportions to those whom you deal with

I just get so tired thinking about all the 'little steps' on the ladder rungs... knowing where I am right now, sometimes I really just wanna fly with it and be there already.

Today was a great day, full of goodness... and much real happiness.. I don't know what's wrong at all. It is a small thing, a footnote, but present to me in its undefined state all the same.

--

"The next step is rejoicing. To rejoice means not to feel jealousy or resentful of the virtuous deeds done by other Dharma practitioners. Instead, if we wholeheartedly admire other people's good practice, we will be able to accumulate great virtue. When we see someone accumulating the causes that lead to the attainment of a well-placed rebirth or we see someone who has attained such a status, it is a cause for rejoicing. Likewise we should rejoice at the accumulation of merit that becomes a cause for attaining enlightenment.

"We should rejoice at the liberation of sentient beings from the sufferings of the cycle of existence through the practice of the three trainings. We should rejoice at the causes of the attainment of buddhahood, the ten levels of the bodhisattvas, and the resulting state of buddhahood itself. Likewise the generation of the awakening mind, the mind wishing to benefit other sentient beings, the source of oceanic virtue that brings peace and happiness to all sentient beings, is a source of great joy."
-Tenzin Gyatso

If you're phobic you might not find stuff to appreciate out of a quote like that. I tend to be able to draw spiritual worthiness from a wide variety of minds, and (by consequence) in turn value the same ability in others.

This one isn't all that insightful to me - that is, lending new sight to a thing that wasn't under your own consideration.. or charting new territory... it is more like when you read something and like it for the direction it applies, for what it happens to give you right then, in that moment, alone.